


as we dream by the fire

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [55]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M, Marriage Proposal, POV Steve Rogers, Steve gets stressed about things sometimes, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, alternate POV, seriously it's cute and sappy and I'd apologize but well, this is about as fluffy as it gets kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-09-23 13:48:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9660023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: The idea's been there for a while, unacknowledged. Almost losing everything can really change your perspective on things, though.Or, Steve tries to plan an important development in his and Loki's relationship.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So after I posted "to face unafraid the plans that we've made" people on my Tumblr were asking about what Steve was thinking, and what he was planning, and how he felt about the whole thing - and I decided to write something from his point of view addressing some of that. And it was a lot of fun. This is probably one of the cuter things I've written, ever. 
> 
> Thanks to the beta, ofc, who helped me hammer out some very important details here. February is a dumb month - maybe cute fic makes it better?

The idea sort of snuck into his head when Steve wasn’t looking, so it was like he just blinked and it was there – only that wasn’t exactly true. It’d been there for a while, a vague and distant fantasy, barely defined. A sort of _maybe, someday_ thing that he’d pulled out in the middle of the night when he couldn’t sleep. Up there with the cottage by the sea and the art gallery and the certainty of safety, of peace.

He’d been tossing it around a little more before everything had gone topsy-turvy. Finding himself tripping into fantasy a little more often, imagining kneeling with a box and a ring, _will you…?_

But he’d held back, for a thousand tiny reasons: Loki might not want it, was it fair of Steve to ask when his life was so short and Loki’s so long, what would it change, really, it wasn’t like they could go to City Hall and get a marriage certificate, and Steve doubted the Catholic Church was going to line up to endorse a gay marriage between Captain America and an pagan god.

So fantasy it stayed. And then everything went – well. Everything went.

Steve knew – none better – how fast things could go to pieces, how quickly a situation could go wrong beyond repair. Somehow it still took him by surprise when it happened to his _team._ And it had come home to him in the cockpit of a stolen plane, flying away from all his friends, that he’d left Loki behind, in a fight with people who wanted him dead.

Loki hadn’t given him much of a choice. But he’d still gone. For a second, Steve went a little numb. By the look on Bucky’s face, he was probably thinking similar thoughts.

“Loki can take care of himself,” Bucky said, sounding half like he was trying to convince himself that it was true. Steve nodded tightly, but for some reason what popped into his head was _I should have asked before. Now we could all go down and I’d never have asked._

_If we all make it through this,_ he told himself. _I will._

* * *

Bucky found out first, more or less by accident.

“So,” he said, “are you going to tell me what you’ve been chewing on over there?”

Steve jerked out of his reverie and looked at Bucky, surprised (and it still gave Steve a little bit of a jerk to see him, lopsided – T’Challa said that a new arm was under construction, but it took time). “What do you mean, what I’ve been chewing on?”

“You’ve been sitting there staring into space for a full five minutes,” Bucky said, stretching out his legs. The picture of relaxation, but Steve could still see the tension in his shoulders and the slightly too intense edge in his eyes. “So what is it?”

Steve chewed on his lip, and it just sort of – popped out. “What if I asked Loki to marry me?”

Bucky did a double-take that Steve thought was just a little excessive. “What?”

Steve flushed, feeling his face and neck heat up. “Nothing. Never mind-“

“Oh no,” Bucky said, swinging his legs down. “You can’t just say that and then brush it under the rug. Are you serious? Actually – serious?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Steve said, maybe a little defensive.

Bucky sat back, his expression hard to read. “Because you’ve never mentioned it before? Because you can’t exactly get hitched in a church or before a judge?”

“T’Challa could witness,” Steve said.

“Do Asgardians – Aesir – even get married?” Bucky asked. “What does it mean to them? Have you thought about that?”

Steve frowned, a little – hurt. “Are you trying to talk me out of it? Do you think it’s a bad idea?”

“I don’t know,” Bucky said. “I’m just…surprised, I guess.” He paused. “Married. Yeesh.”

Steve looked down at his hands. “It’s not – it’s not a _done deal_ or anything. I just…” It felt sappy and romantic and stupid, trying to put his thoughts into words. “I need to stop putting things off for later,” he said finally. “And Loki…I want him to know that I’m serious. He has so many fears about people _leaving_ and I…”

Bucky’s expression had gone odd again. “And that’s not something you worry about at all,” he said, a little too softly to be wry. Steve tried not to flinch. “Huh,” Bucky said after a short pause. “Little Stevie getting married before _me._ ”

His face got hot again. “Stop it,” he said. “I don’t even know if – it’s just a thought I had. That’s all.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows. “Say it just like that,” he said. “’Hey, Loki, want to get married? Just a thought.’ You old romantic.”

Steve grimaced at him, but the way Bucky’s smile turned a little more genuine was worth the teasing.

Probably.

* * *

_Did_ the Aesir get married?

No, of course they did – Odin and Frigga called each other “husband” and “wife.” Didn’t they? He wracked his brain, trying to remember. What were their ceremonies like? Were there any special traditions?

If he asked Loki – _if_ he asked – would it mean something different to him than it did to Steve?

Not for the first time, he wished Thor was here – if this time for a far more selfish reason. Even the selfishness didn’t drown out the worry about the fact that Thor had been gone for some time with no word from Asgard.

Steve pushed that away.

Wanda laughed and Steve blinked back to paying attention to see Loki scowling at her, nose wrinkled in the way Steve found a little endearing, though he’d never say so to Loki’s face. They seemed to have turned some kind of corner – or at least, Loki didn’t seem to be pretending so much indifference anymore.

Sam sat down next to him. “Sketching?” He asked, nodding at the blank page of Steve’s fresh notebook. He closed it anyway.

“Not really.” He smiled a little weakly. “Guess I haven’t been in the mood.”

“Yeah.” Sam lifted his chin in Wanda’s direction. “Good to see her laughing.”

Steve’s stomach clenched guiltily. “Yeah. She’s had – a rough go of it.”

“Not the only one.” Steve looked down at his sketchbook. “Do you want to talk about it?” Sam asked. “What happened in Siberia?”

“No,” Steve said. “Not really.”

“Somehow I figured that’s what you were going to say.” Sam sighed, quiet for a couple seconds. “Do you want to talk about your future engagement?” 

Steve jerked, then made a face. “Bucky’s big mouth,” he muttered. “Gossiping like a hen. There’s no _engagement._ I don’t even know if – it was just a thought that slipped out.” He paused, then added, “Buck didn’t think it was a good idea.”

“That what he said?” Sam sounded amused. “When he talked to me he was saying that he’d fight me over being your best man.”

Steve blinked, frowned, blinked again. “That’s not – what?”

“But if you’re reconsidering – hey, no pressure from me.” Sam shrugged.

“I’m not,” Steve said, and then pressed his lips together. “I don’t know. I don’t _know._ It’s not something Loki and I have ever talked about, and I don’t know if…how any of that works on Asgard.”

Sam looked surprised. “Really? You’ve been together…how long, and neither of you’s ever said a word about marriage?”

Steve looked down. “No. We’ve always just…we’ve never really made any plans for the future. Or talked about it.” He chewed on the inside of his cheek. “But that’s…I need to stop putting stuff off. Stop waiting for a time when everything will be easy and simple, where there’s nothing threatening to end the world. Who knows if that’ll ever be true?”

“Sounds to me like you know what you want to do,” Sam said gently.

“I do,” Steve said. “But…Loki. I don’t want him to…take it wrong.”

Sam raised his eyebrows. “How do you take a marriage proposal wrong?”

Steve shook his head. “I don’t know, but I’d bet Loki could find a way.” He grimaced, the moment he’d said it. “That isn’t…exactly fair. But sometimes he does…I think he gets scared, like if he makes too many plans for the future something awful will happen to ruin them. And if he panics…I just don’t know. A lot of things are unsteady right now. I don’t want to throw another thing into the mix and risk it being too much.”

“Huh.” Sam eyed Steve sidelong. “Is it tiring to do all that work to figure out what your boyfriend’s thinking?”

Steve tried not to wince. “It’s not-”

“No need to get defensive,” Sam said easily. “I get it. I can’t tell you what to do.” He paused. “But if you make Bucky best man instead of me I’m going to tell Loki about that time you jumped fifteen stories out of a building.”

Steve gave Sam an aggrieved look. “You weren’t even _there._ ”

“I use the ammunition I got, Steve,” Sam said without remorse, and patted him on the shoulder. “Good luck.”

* * *

It didn’t have to be marriage, Steve thought, lying awake and staring at the ceiling, Loki’s breathing soft on his shoulder. It could just be some kind of…something symbolic. Something that would _show_ Loki that he wanted to be clear about his commitment. So that they’d both know they were here for as long as they got.

It needed to be special, though. Something out of the ordinary _._ Loki had lost a second home by going on the run again. He’d ended up imprisoned, drugged and cut off from his magic.

He deserved to get something nice. A real, properly romantic set up.

Steve was going to put one together for him.

* * *

“T’Challa,” Steve said, hoping he sounded convincingly casual. “Who would I ask about…making something out of vibranium?”

T’Challa looked up slowly from what Steve realized belatedly looked like an important document. One of his eyebrows rose. “Something like a new shield?”

“No,” Steve said promptly, though he realized after he said it that he would need to figure something out. If he was going to go back in the field, try to keep doing good – he might not be Captain America anymore, but he’d need some kind of weapon. And he’d…gotten attached to using a shield. “No, something else.”

“Something like what?” T’Challa asked. Steve was starting to wonder if the gossip had gotten to _him,_ too, but T’Challa leaned forward and propped his chin on his hands. “I am not asking because I doubt you. I hardly expect you to sell to smugglers. I need to know what kind of work you are looking for so I know to whom I should refer you.”

“Oh,” Steve said, a little abashed. “Of course.” He hesitated, not even really sure why, unless it was the fact that he still didn’t know – couldn’t know – what Loki would say. “I want someone to make – rings. Two of them. There doesn’t need to be any decoration or anything.”

T’Challa’s other eyebrow lifted. “Two plain bands made out of vibranium,” he said. Steve could feel his face getting warm, realizing suddenly that he hadn’t actually _told_ T’Challa outright about him and Loki. Wondering if he’d guessed.

“That’s right.”

T’Challa blinked slowly, almost catlike. “I know a jeweler I’ve gone to before,” he said. “She does very good work. I’ll ask if she will take a commission from you.”

“Thanks,” Steve said, a little taken aback. “But you don’t need to do that. I can go myself.”

“Consider it a favor,” T’Challa said. “Perhaps at some point you will tell me what they are for.” There was something faintly dry to his voice, and Steve coughed, embarrassed.

“It’s not exactly – Loki and I are…involved.”

“Is that so,” T’Challa said, without a trace of surprise. Steve looked down.

“I wasn’t trying to keep secrets from you. It’s not something I’ve exactly told a lot of people. No one outside the team – and now Sharon Carter – knows.”

“Then I am honored that you chose to tell me,” T’Challa said, and if Steve thought he could hear a _finally_ somewhere in there, he couldn’t be sure. He stood, meeting Steve’s eyes squarely. “I do not have any personal quarrel with Loki, Steve. Nor has he shown any will to harm my people. Until that changes, I will remain cautious, but my caution as ruler has nothing to do with your personal life.” His lips twitched slightly. “I can be happy for you.”

Steve ducked his head, once again a little ashamed. “Thank you,” he said.

“You are welcome.” T’Challa smiled very faintly. “I will have the jeweler contact you as soon as possible. You will want accurate measurements.”

He would have to figure out how to manage _that_ without spoiling the surprise – he thought he’d seen Loki wear rings before, though, so maybe he could use one of them. “Thank you,” Steve said again, even more heartfelt. T’Challa inclined his head.

“Now, if you will excuse me…I do need to finish this,” he said. Steve hastily saw himself out.

* * *

“I need help,” Steve said, staring helplessly at his blank pad of paper.

“Probably, yeah,” Sam said. Steve gave him a look, and Sam shrugged. “Hey, you said it.”

“I meant-” Steve gestured at the pad. “Planning. Thinking of what I want to _do._ I don’t know…I don’t know what would be _right._ ”

Sam came over and sat down. “The proposal.” Steve nodded. “So you’re going to do it?”

“I got the rings,” Steve mumbled, self-consciousness creeping back in. “I’d better. And I want to,” he hastened to add. “I’m just…I want to it to be good. And I don’t know what I’m doing.”

He didn’t look up. After a moment, Sam patted him on the shoulder. “Hey,” he said. “I’m glad.”

“You are?”

“Yeah,” Sam said. “You guys are both nuts. But you’re a kind of nuts that works. And seems like you should deserve to have something nice, for once, especially after everything that’s gone to hell in a handbasket.” Steve felt himself slump, bizarrely relieved. “What,” Sam said, “you were expecting judgment? Who here isn’t rooting for you crazy kids?”

Steve gave Sam a small, grateful smile. “Thanks.”

“So what’s this about planning?” Sam asked. “Is this about the wedding or popping the question?”

“The latter,” Steve said quickly. “I’m not assuming – I don’t even know if there’s _going_ to be a wedding.”

“But you want to do something fancy,” Sam said. “I’m guessing more than a nice dinner. You thinking carriage ride, hot air balloon, fireworks…”

Steve flushed. “Don’t tease,” he said. “I’m just-” He sighed. “Loki’s done a lot of big, flashy things for me. He likes that kind of thing. And I want to put together something…special.”

“I’m just kidding around,” Sam said. “I think it’s sweet of you. We all know you’re a real romantic.”

“I wish we could go somewhere,” Steve said, looking down at his lap. “I know Loki gets restless. Feels trapped. If I could take him somewhere else…”

“Maybe you can,” Sam said slowly. Steve glanced at him.

“We’re fugitives, Sam,” he said. “We can’t exactly go wandering around foreign countries. Even with Loki’s help, apparently it’s harder for his magic to work when people are actually _looking_ for him, and I’m not exactly inconspicuous.”

“Yeah, I know,” Sam said. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t go _anywhere._ Wakanda’s a big country, right? And sure, maybe T’Challa doesn’t want us all going out and mingling with the locals, but two people for a couple days, somewhere quiet…”

“Maybe,” Steve said cautiously. “If we could make that work…I do want to take him to dinner, too. And dancing. All that.” He could feel his face getting warm again.

“All that,” Sam said, and wiggled his eyebrows. Steve made a face at him.

“You aren’t making this any easier.”

“I didn’t know it was my job to make things easier,” Sam said. “I thought it was my job to give you shit.”

* * *

“Jesus, Steve,” Bucky said. “Don’t you think you’re maybe going a little overboard? Just ask him, straight out. It’d be simpler, for sure, and you’re starting to look a little wild around the eyes.”

“I know it’d be _simpler,_ ” Steve said stubbornly. “I don’t want to do _simpler._ He’s a prince, Buck.”

“Was,” Bucky said, and when Steve gave him a sharp look shrugged. “I’m just saying. I don’t think you need a lot of flash and sparkle. Just say ‘Loki, will you marry me’ and when he says yes-” He made a crude gesture and Steve flushed.

“I want to do something special,” he protested. “Something so he knows that it matters. That it’s not just something I’m doing because I’m - supposed to.”

Bucky shook his head, but there was a little crook to the corner of his mouth. “Yeah, yeah. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. You were always a sappy romantic.”

“You and Sam,” Steve said. “Don’t you have anything better to do than tease me about my love life?”

“Probably not,” Bucky said. “We spend all our free time already coming up with new ways to tease you. Keeps us very busy.”

Steve grimaced. “Make yourself useful and help me go through these restaurant reviews.”

“Not sure how much use I’ll be at that, but okay,” Bucky said. “And by the way – if you make Sam best man instead of me, I’m going to find a way to mention to Loki about the time a sheep ran you out of Central Park.”

“Not you too,” Steve groaned. Bucky narrowed his eyes.

“Sam got to you already?”

“Nobody _got to me,_ ” Steve objected. “You two are – I haven’t even _asked_ yet!”

“Just something to keep in mind,” Bucky said, a little too casually.

* * *

Loki caught him and Sam going over possible getaway locations, and based on the flicker of suspicion that had shown on his face before he shut it away, Steve doubted he bought their feeble excuses. Loki was, unfortunately, too smart for that, and too good at ferreting out secrets – and Steve wasn’t very good at keeping them.

Maybe he shouldn’t be trying to keep this a surprise – should just come out like Bucky suggested and ask without making it a big production. Maybe doing all this was just going to make Loki nervous, or self-conscious, and scare him off.

It’d been a long time since Steve had worried about that, but things were a little…fragile. Or they felt that way, even if Loki hadn’t actually given any indication that he was considering leaving. Still, Steve couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling that everything might fall apart if he looked at it wrong.

He supposed maybe it wasn’t so surprising that he might feel that way, considering how much _had_ fallen apart recently. And maybe it was unfair to doubt Loki. But that didn’t make the feeling go away.

But…Loki did like grand gestures. Or at least he liked making them, and Steve had a feeling he’d like other people making them on his behalf, too – even if he’d probably never say as much. As far as he could tell, Aesir culture was all _about_ grand gestures. So if he could put one together for _this,_ really show how much it mattered to him…

“You’re thinking about this too much,” Sam told him. “You’re just going to worry yourself into a frenzy.” He frowned. “Are you feeling all right, actually? You look a little pale.”

“Fine,” Steve said stubbornly. “And it’s – kind of a big deal. I can’t just fly by the seat of my pants.”

“Might be better if you did,” Sam said. “At least then you wouldn’t be overthinking it.”

“I just want…” Steve gave Sam a helpless look, and Sam sat down next to him and patted his back.

“I know, I know. Look, Steve…anyone with eyes could tell that Loki’s crazy about you. I’d bet the only reason _he_ hasn’t asked is some kind of weird Asgardian idea about propriety or whatever. Or some weird Loki thing about insecurity, either one.”

“I know,” Steve said after a moment.

“So?” Sam asked, a little more gently.

“So…” Steve sighed. “When I was a kid I figured I’d be single forever. There wouldn’t be a woman alive who’d want to marry a 90 pound weakling, if I even lived that long. And later on it didn’t seem that likely that I was gonna get much of a normal life either, especially after…the ice. And then Loki, which – well. Wasn’t like _normal_ and _Loki_ seem like they belong in the same sentence. I just never figured that marriage was really in the cards, and now maybe…maybe it is, and it doesn’t feel quite real.”

“I know what you mean,” Sam said after a moment. Steve nodded. “It feels fake so you keep looking for ways it’s not gonna work out.”

“I guess,” Steve said. “Maybe. Is that what I’m doing?”

“It’s what I’ve seen other guys do,” Sam said. “It’s not exactly self-sabotage. But people drive themselves crazy, looking for problems that aren’t there. Sometimes you just have to make the leap.”

* * *

And then Steve got sick.

He didn’t remember much about it, after it really hit. A lot of miserable in and out of lucidity. Loki’s cold hand on the back of his neck. Vivid nightmares that seemed to bleed into reality. It was like being ten again, though at least his lungs stayed mostly clear and he never felt like he couldn’t breathe. A few things were clear – talking with Loki, telling him he’d never _meant_ to leave him behind – but a lot of things…weren’t.

He vaguely remembered something about hiding with Loki, Red Skull tracking them both, and Loki saying…something. Something that was such a _relief_ to hear. But he couldn’t quite remember what it was.

Steve was worried at first that he might have blurted out a proposal in the middle of his fever, but it didn’t seem like he had. Just missed all of his deadlines, schedules and reservations fallen through.

It _did_ seem like Loki thought something was wrong. He was trying to pretend that wasn’t the case, but Steve could tell, and he couldn’t help but feel like he’d screwed things up somehow.

“Maybe I should just give up on the whole idea,” Steve said, sitting in Sam’s living room and watching him and Bucky play dominos. “I have to start over with everything, and Loki’s…something’s up with Loki.”

“Maybe it’s that he can tell you’re keeping a secret, since you have a terrible poker face,” Sam said blandly. Steve looked at him, and after a moment Sam looked back. “You’re not serious, are you?”

“Maybe,” Steve said, anguished. “Or at least – at least wait a little while. Until I can figure all of this out.”

“All of what,” Bucky said. “What do you actually need to figure out?”

“I don’t – I don’t know. Everything I was going to do. The vacation, and…”

Sam shook his head. “I thought we agreed that was unnecessary, anyway.”

“I never said _unnecessary,_ ” Steve objected.

Bucky clicked his tongue. “I can’t believe Stevie’s getting cold feet,” he said. His face got hot.

“I’m not getting cold feet,” he said. “I’m just saying, maybe it should wait-”

“Isn’t that what you were saying you were going to _stop_ doing?” Bucky said, not getting up from where he was lounging on the couch. “Waiting?” Steve hesitated, and Bucky sat up, swinging his legs down off the couch. “Come on, Steve. How long have you been waiting? First it was _the right partner,_ and now that you’ve got one of those it’s _the right time._ What’s wrong with now?”

“He’s not wrong,” Sam said. “What _are_ you waiting for? All the extra stuff – it’s extra. You’ve got what you need.”

Steve bit the inside of his cheek. _Man up, Rogers._

_Are you really going to keep putting this off?_

“All right,” he said, and exhaled. “All right. But I’m…going to need your help with a few things, still. Nothing big. Just a couple…small things.”

* * *

The candles were lit and he’d set up some Frank Sinatra. Not on a proper record player, but it’d do.

“What is this?” Loki asked. He looked almost wary.

“I was going to do more,” Steve found himself saying in a rush. “I was working on putting together…but then I got sick, and stuff fell through, and I was thinking about putting it off. But Sam said-”

“Steve,” Loki interrupted, his eyebrows furrowing. “What in the Nine are you babbling about?”

He made himself take a deep breath, his hand clenching around the box holding the two rings.

“Come here,” he said. “Let’s sit.”


End file.
